Object Relations
I Keep Choosing the Wrong Relationships:
How Psychodynamic Therapy and Object Relations Theory Help Us Understand Repeating Patterns
Do you ever feel like you are stuck in the same kind of relationship, one where you hope things will finally feel safe and connected, but instead end up feeling disappointed, unseen, or emotionally alone? Maybe a part of you even wonders, “Why does this keep happening?”
These patterns can feel confusing, but they are rarely random. In psychodynamic psychotherapy, we explore how these present-day experiences often trace back to our earliest relationships, the emotional bonds formed in childhood that quietly shape how we relate to others now.
This is the heart of Object Relations Theory, a foundational concept in psychoanalysis and psychodynamic thinking. It helps us understand not just why certain patterns repeat, but how to begin shifting them.
What Is Object Relations Theory?
In psychoanalysis, the term “object” does not refer to a physical item; it refers to emotionally significant people in our lives, especially our early caregivers. Through repeated interactions with these caregivers, we develop internal templates or “internal objects” that shape our expectations of ourselves, others, and relationships.
If love felt conditional, unpredictable, or unavailable in early life, we may unknowingly seek out relationships that feel familiar in those ways, even if they bring pain. We might chase connection while fearing closeness, or find ourselves drawn to people who are emotionally distant, critical, or hard to reach.
These early relational experiences live on inside us, not as conscious memories, but as emotional truths, shaping how we attach, trust, and protect ourselves.
The Psychodynamic Approach: Making the Unconscious Conscious
Psychodynamic psychotherapy is rooted in the idea that unconscious patterns, formed through early relationships, continue to shape our present emotional lives. We repeat what we have not yet understood, often without realizing it.
In therapy, we slow down and gently explore the emotional templates that drive these repeating patterns. With curiosity and care, we begin to understand:
How past relationships live on in the present, influencing our reactions, our needs, and the people we feel drawn to.
How we see ourselves through the eyes of early caregivers, and how those views may still shape our self-worth and inner dialogue.
How the “emotional logic” of childhood still plays out, even in adult relationships that seem very different on the surface.
As we bring these unconscious dynamics into awareness, something powerful happens: we start to gain the freedom to relate differently.
Healing Through the Therapeutic Relationship
One of the most transformative elements of psychodynamic work is the therapeutic relationship itself. In this space, the emotional patterns from past relationships often begin to surface, a process known as transference.
But unlike earlier experiences, the therapy relationship offers something new: a consistent, attuned, and emotionally safe connection. When old fears, longings, or defenses emerge in therapy, they are met not with rejection or confusion, but with understanding and care.
Over time, this new relational experience becomes part of your internal world, helping you build a more stable, integrated sense of self and changing how you relate to others outside of therapy.
Why This Work Matters
This kind of deep emotional work takes time and courage, but it opens the door to lasting change. You may begin to:
Choose partners, friends, or colleagues who feel more emotionally available and safe
Soften harsh inner voices shaped by early criticism or neglect
Feel more empowered to set boundaries, express needs, and trust your emotional instincts
Develop a more compassionate and coherent sense of yourself
You are not broken; you are carrying emotional truths from earlier relationships that once made sense, even if they no longer serve you.
Beginning Again, From the Inside Out
Psychodynamic therapy offers a path toward understanding not just what is happening in your relationships, but why, and how to change it. Through insight, emotional connection, and a renewed relationship with yourself, you can begin to step out of old patterns and into more nourishing, authentic ways of relating.
If this speaks to your experience, I invite you to reach out for a free 20-minute consultation.
Together, we can explore how this kind of therapy might support your journey toward deeper connection, emotional freedom, and lasting change.